FALLOUT 1967

It was difficult to point to one moment when things at the Home started to go wrong. It was that several things started happening at once, that seemed to give the adults the impression I was not happy at the Home and I was falling out with every member of staff. In truth, I had never been happy at the Home. In my mind if I did anything to solve the problem, it would be my mother that it would affect and upset the most.

The main railway line with the fast trains I had thought of as an easy way of ending my stay at the Home; and also the high bridge that the main A5 road ran beneath was an alternative solution. I would not really have been scared of ending my life; the reasons for not going through with the action, were that it would upset my mother and it might hurt on impact. If there had been no possibility of returning to my mother, I do not think I would have been able to tolerate the Home until it was time for me to leave senior school. The test I had been to in London had given the adults the idea that I was not happy living at the Home, but I don’t think I had really let on as to my thoughts, if my stay was to be for many years to come.

GROWING UP

If a few things about growing up had been explained to me, life at the Home could have been easier. I was odd: if Sister had still been in charge, having brought up a large number of boys over the years, she might have understood the problem that seemed to occur for me now I was almost eleven and in my last year of junior school.  The Houseparent had not needed to deal with many teenage boys. If I had been sent over to the nurse, or possibly able to talk to the Governor or his deputy, things might have been explained to me over the matter of growing up.

For education and my activities with others I was thought of as younger than my actual age; however my I.Q. and physical development might be classed as older. At the age of almost eleven, I was taller than most of my own age group, and even my looks had changed over the last couple of years.  At school, the music teacher had taken me out of singing lessons because my voice might be starting to break. Had adults explained a few more of the events that coincided with this event, life would have been much easier.

At night, I was having trouble sleeping, even though there were now only two of us in the room. Whilst the other boy seemed to sleep all through the night, bad dreams and minor disturbances kept me from the sleep I needed. I was waking up in the middle of the night with the feeling that I needed to go for a pee and that the front of my pyjamas was slightly damp. The major telling off that I received when my pyjama trousers and lower sheet was found in the laundry basket by the Houseparent made me hate living here. If I had worn thick cotton pyjamas it might have not been noticed; now that I wore light blue or light green nylon pyjamas the stain was easy to see.

When it became a regular event, I was in trouble every morning and given the slipper for this disgusting act. It was not a case of wetting the bed, but if it had been explained what ‘wet dreams’ or ‘nocturnal emissions’ were, and what was going on during this growing-up period, I might have understood. Being marched to the bathroom for a morning bath after the hits with the slipper and having to strip my bed whilst everyone else went for their wash did cause embarrassment. To them the only reason I would be sent to have a bath would be due to wetting my bed; even the younger pair although not teasing me to my face could make fun of me.

Finally, the Houseparent lost patience with me. She could have made it worse, but I was spared any witnesses when she told me that my night-time problems must end. There followed a couple of extra hits with the slipper above the normal two hits. I was informed that I was to wear a pair of underpants beneath my pyjamas. These were not going to be boys’ underpants but thick girls’ knickers. Over these knickers I was to wear a pair of waterproof rubber pants. When I could show that I was not going to cause any more problems, I could go back to being treated like an ordinary boy. There was the threat from the Houseparent if I did not wear the rubber pants, that on the mornings that either my pyjamas or lower sheet were found to be stained, I would be given four hits with the slipper.

I was unhappy over the matter. It took the helper to eventually calm me down and explain what was happening during this growing-up stage. It seemed that I might be affected several months before others of my own age.

The following nights I hid myself away when it came for getting ready for bed. An age gap in years meant that the three older boys had much later bedtimes as they were all at senior school, and with the two younger boys having early bedtimes our paths did not cross and I could be on my own.

I kept the matter a secret for some time, but eventually one of the older boys found out what I was wearing beneath my pyjamas. Before he could start teasing me, the helper threatened that it would be quite easy to give him similar items to wear.

I did not protest at wearing them to bed. In a way, I was quite happy if it stopped the telling off and slipper from the Houseparent. Now in the middle of the night I was waking up after an unusual dream. They were not bad dreams, but simply different and I could now understand what was happening to me. I would then go off to the lavatory to have a pee and return to bed, then sleep until it was time to get up. As the knickers were damp in the morning, the waterproof pants had kept my pyjamas and lower sheet from needing to be changed.

I was less restless at night now and did not really mind having a quick bath first thing. That I was not going to be given the slipper or teased by having to take the lower sheet off my bed on getting up, meant that I did not mind this punishment. Everything would have been generally fine had I been left alone. During Christmas, the Houseparent decided to show me up in front of most of the others one evening. With the holidays, our bed times had become a little more relaxed, and instead of getting sent off to bed according to our ages, the Houseparent tended to pack us all off to bed at a slightly later time.

My embarrassment was caused when she sent a couple of us to get into our pyjamas then to return to watch the television for a little longer. In the normal way if it was later in the evening younger ones would be going straight to bed once they had finished their wash or bath.

The comment by the Houseparent to me as I was leaving with the youngest in the group was that I should remember to put on my waterproof pants. Only one older boy until now had known of this matter and had used his better judgment to keep quiet to save getting into trouble. Now that the two younger boys knew, the others soon found out. I was fair game for teasing when the adults were not around. Whilst there was little I could do if the older ones teased me, having two younger boys make fun of me was annoying. I had originally imagined that waterproof pants were only made to fit young children, but that the Home had them readily available in my size must mean that others of my age wore them.

DRESSING UP

A comment was made that I did not seem to join in imaginary games. It was that I did not really see the point of games like Cowboys and Indians, or to go out and play with the older boys and their toy guns in an imaginary game of war. At the start of December all of us tried to be on our best behaviour in the run up to Christmas; this was to try to persuade the adults that the presents we really wanted came our way.

I was sent out to the Administration Block with the instruction to get myself some dressing-up clothes; I might be going to a party where there was a dressing-up competition. One of the Sisters was in charge of a small assortment of dressing-up clothes that normally came out of store shortly before Christmas to enable anyone who was going to a fancy dress party to have something interesting to put on. Keeping them in one location meant that all had a fair share.

During the Christmas season we quite often attended parties and fun events, so this instruction I did not think of as odd. If there was a reason that none of the others were coming over at the same moment, it was due to me returning to London the next day for a weekend away from the Home.

I was confronted with a range of cowboy outfits, spaceman costumes, Red Indian headdresses and several other items that I did not really think stood any chance of winning any sort of prize. Finally, I was talked into a pirate costume. The main items were an eye patch and a blue and white striped shirt. I changed the idea of trousers that a pirate might have worn to a pair of riding breeches, but this was finding that there was a pair of long black leather riding boots, possibly as near as I could get to the type of boots a pirate might have worn. The pair of riding boots had actually made my day. Before coming to the Home I had owned a pair of long riding boots, but lost them due to my mother putting them on the bonfire before we moved back to London.

The boots I had chosen looked brand new; the Sister remarked that several girls had tried them on before me, but found they were either too tall or too narrow in the leg. With my skinny appearance, the fit was correct. The Sister thought I should return to my flat, fully dressed up, so that my Houseparent could see me. Leaving the building I had to take a rather long and hidden route back; I did not want to let any of my friends see me in a pirate costume.

The Houseparent seemed to accept my choice although other than the eye patch there was nothing really that could be classed as dressing up. If Sister had been in charge there now would have been the order to go and put everything away until it was needed; instead it was suggested that I could keep dressed like that until bedtime. If I complained that I did not like dressing up, the chance was that future Christmas presents might be at risk, so I played along, and stayed dressed up during tea and stayed like that until bedtime.

Friday was a bit of an odd day. Most went off to school as normal, but a few of the classes at our school were being given an extra day off owing to decorators needing to get to a few rooms before the Christmas holiday. The girl in our flat who went to the same school as I did was going to go off as normal. For once, I was not the one going off in a bad mood; she had to go with a group of the older ones instead of me.

One disappointment was that I would have to wait until the end of the day for my mother to collect me. If only it had been known earlier about the extra day’s holiday, I would not have to waste a whole day here. Once everyone had left for school, the flat seemed so empty. As the Houseparent knew I would not be going to school today, my school clothes had been put into the laundry basket the previous day, just in case I forgot and now went out to play in school shorts. I had made sure that the long trousers I had acquired were easy to find, and even though the weather was mild, I did not want to wear my play shorts outside.

Possibly the trousers looked a little odd due to my height; they were a good fit around the waist, but rather short in the legs. I was now told that if I was going to wear the long trousers I must wear the boots; she did not want me looking badly dressed in front of others. If I remained clean during the day, I could wear my costume home for the weekend. It was a challenge I won; long trousers during the winter were great to go to London in.

The choice of a pirate costume in a way was a good idea; the school had organised a Christmas play for which a few of our class had the more interesting parts, rather than just being one of the choir or other unknown part. Putting myself in front of others was not really how I wanted to be in the Christmas play; I really wanted to help move the scenery. Our class was given a short part in a play to act out the rhyme ‘Tinker, Tailor’. I managed to get a part in the middle of the verse as the Rich Man, so as not to be either at the start of the line or the end.

 I was able to tease a friend over the clothes he had been given. A wig and a long coat, and he was fair game for teasing during the play, and for several days after.
Parents and staff helped organise all sorts of costumes for those that had parts in the play.
If I asked the Houseparent to help, I could bet something would be chosen that would let the others make fun of me. I played down my part when it came to the allocation of costumes. A fancy shirt was all that was provided for me. I completed my outfit with the riding boots and breeches. The time I spent having to dress up ready to go on stage was down to a few seconds.

Once on stage, my part was soon over and I was free for the rest of the play, until the whole cast were required to make a final appearance. If I had hoped to lurk somewhere in the back of the group, I was pushed to the front for the simple reason that I would be able to sit in the front of the group and not get anything I was wearing caught up in any of the stage equipment. I felt daft sitting amongst a group of infants, together with a girl of my own age who was also lacking any form of bulky dress. For the second presentation of our play the following evening I made sure that I was not anywhere near the front when the final group was formed on the stage. The infants sat on their own; I was not the only one with the idea of hiding away.  Once school had finished, I was allowed to return to London for part of the Christmas holidays.